An Ode to Love Lost

You've become
What I feared
The most you would.
A memory.

As the days between us grow,
More certainly in my heart
I learn and know
It was you I loved,
I was in love with.

In retrospect
I understand
Exactly what love is.

I was suspicious
Of my love then
When we shared
Space and time.

Now that space and time
Between us aboud,
Moments come
When I recognize
Myself in others.

Sometimes a movie tells me,
At others a song -
Of the love I had
For you.

And the fact that
It was deep and real.

Your face, your eyes.
Your mouth.
I look at your picture
Now.
And my heart
Swells my eyes with tears.

For though how dearly
I recognize that face,
It no longer is
Mine to hold and gaze.

At times my poetry rhymes -
Just like at times
With you things clicked,
For as long as they did.

I know how to… I have experience. I know what it means to cut someone out of one’s life. Being single would mean more to life. More to my life – more meaning, more freedom, more individuality – no fear of expectation; I think I shall be happier. 

I didn't think at this age I would experience such 'fan'aticism - but Ranbir Kapoor and Rehman's music is something else altogether... intense, passionate,erotic, orgasmic - are the most apt adjectives. Such soul, such passion, man! It's been months that the film released and I still continue to trip on the music, lyrics and feel of it. Each and every piece/song is a memorable work of art. Sheer genius at work! The 'Dilemma of Fame' - jugalbandi between the shehnai and the guitar; the 'Meeting Place' - quoting Rumi in Kapoor's voice - phenomenal; 'Aur Ho' - the erotic tension so palpable; 'Hawa hawa' - the lyrics so suggestive of the plot. While the lyrics of 'Nandan Parindey','Jo Bhi Main' are literally philosophy played on music, 'Kun Faya' is spirituality at its best. 'Tum Ho' is soon to become one of my all-time favourite romantic numbers and 'Saada Haq' blends the personal with the political in oh-such an-epic way!

Now that have vented what has consumed me all this while - am feeling better. Will go back to listening to some more of this stuff! :-)

Am teaching now. Talking about literature in classes, encouraging students to write. There are good days I have at school and some really horrid ones! It's a mixed bag. At times hard to figure out how much of a friend I want to be and how much of a teacher. All the things that one criticizes from a distance, one finds oneself doing exactly those.

That is a separate matter though. Somehow am also going through oscillating emotions in terms of feeling at one time that am moving ahead, doing a lot - and am plagued simultaneously with the fear that am not strong enough intellectually; that am not really accomplishing anything meaningful and that my career is headed the lord alone knows where!

That brings me to the lord! Who I have had immense faith in and who has stood the test of time and always proved himself to be exceptionally loving and kind (I am a believer of the best/worst kind!) Have always looked for, and found signs - known that the lord will lead me to a good place in life. But that can happen only provided I know where I want to go. Am at a phase in life where my comfort zone is really a place I am so beautifully stuck in that am finding it hard to even think of getting out of. Doubts, confusions, crossroads plague me.

Given that I just spoke of writing being cathartic and introspective and a process where one discovers oneself in class today, thought it would be quite hypocritical of me to not engage in some writing myself. So here I am - hoping this exercise of purging my thoughts on screen will help. Looking at the neat font and the profusion of print before me is soothing. Gives me a sense (whether or not false) of things moving, of there being some content generated from within.

Still unsure of what the new year shall bring forth, I stop here. Will do some serious productive work now and hope for the best!

Surviving Life

'Give me the brush and I shall paint'

'Give me a pen, and I shall write.'

Can I say -

'Give me a life and I shall live'?

Till then, I just survive.

I feel good...

I thrive on the existence of possibilities. In fact the most thrilling feeling of all is of being wanted - that things might work out - that a new adventure may be embarked on. Perhaps this is why I love freelancing!

Although at times, this lack of stability, lack of a set group of people you meet everyday - your 'colleagues', or a familiar work desk do get to one, the moments of exhilaration are many. The gift of time that I am blessed with - to sit back, study, think, day-dream, plan, and also fret, worry, crib, bitch...

Filled with gratitude as i type these words, I pray that all me day-dreams of doing more work see fruition. Inshah-allah - is what I say with all my heart and might!

May this be done! (And more...)

Random... ...

My taste for coffee is back... as is my love for American sitcoms. Thanks to my friend Gayatri who has all the seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond, Fraiser and Dharma and Greg. Watching re-runs of these beloved sitcomes takes me back to earlier days [I don;t wish to call them my younger days; what the hell, am still young!!] Which brings me to the fact that I will be turning 27 mid May. I like that number, 'twenty-seven' - 3 years away from the big 'three-O'. But am glad I live in this day and age when it's cool to be thirty. I look forward to it like I have always looked forward to growing a year older. Any jitters I have ever had about turning another year older was always the result of peer-pressure, in the absence of which age does not scare me at all.

Although, I have started realizing that all the noise made about anti-ageing creams isn't too much of a fuss. Yes, your body does become kinda old and rigid. I know 'cause am having an ever tougher time trying to lose weight. Now I'm beginning to broach a subject which is overdone everywhere - on the internet as well as in books which sell like hot cakes... And knowing there are better authorities on how one can work better at these things, I shall let this subject be...

... It was raining today. Absolutely delicious weather for a smoke and coffee. [ummm... my re-found love for coffee...] The rain always makes me feel life is full of possibilities - that I can do what I want to, whatever I feel like... that life will work out the way I want.

I look forward to the new phase of my life in a new city. [Hoping that all goes according to plan...]. Will fill in more soon...