Am teaching now. Talking about literature in classes, encouraging students to write. There are good days I have at school and some really horrid ones! It's a mixed bag. At times hard to figure out how much of a friend I want to be and how much of a teacher. All the things that one criticizes from a distance, one finds oneself doing exactly those.

That is a separate matter though. Somehow am also going through oscillating emotions in terms of feeling at one time that am moving ahead, doing a lot - and am plagued simultaneously with the fear that am not strong enough intellectually; that am not really accomplishing anything meaningful and that my career is headed the lord alone knows where!

That brings me to the lord! Who I have had immense faith in and who has stood the test of time and always proved himself to be exceptionally loving and kind (I am a believer of the best/worst kind!) Have always looked for, and found signs - known that the lord will lead me to a good place in life. But that can happen only provided I know where I want to go. Am at a phase in life where my comfort zone is really a place I am so beautifully stuck in that am finding it hard to even think of getting out of. Doubts, confusions, crossroads plague me.

Given that I just spoke of writing being cathartic and introspective and a process where one discovers oneself in class today, thought it would be quite hypocritical of me to not engage in some writing myself. So here I am - hoping this exercise of purging my thoughts on screen will help. Looking at the neat font and the profusion of print before me is soothing. Gives me a sense (whether or not false) of things moving, of there being some content generated from within.

Still unsure of what the new year shall bring forth, I stop here. Will do some serious productive work now and hope for the best!

Surviving Life

'Give me the brush and I shall paint'

'Give me a pen, and I shall write.'

Can I say -

'Give me a life and I shall live'?

Till then, I just survive.

I feel good...

I thrive on the existence of possibilities. In fact the most thrilling feeling of all is of being wanted - that things might work out - that a new adventure may be embarked on. Perhaps this is why I love freelancing!

Although at times, this lack of stability, lack of a set group of people you meet everyday - your 'colleagues', or a familiar work desk do get to one, the moments of exhilaration are many. The gift of time that I am blessed with - to sit back, study, think, day-dream, plan, and also fret, worry, crib, bitch...

Filled with gratitude as i type these words, I pray that all me day-dreams of doing more work see fruition. Inshah-allah - is what I say with all my heart and might!

May this be done! (And more...)